Marvel Zombies (2006)

Author: Robert Kirkman | Illustrator: Sean Phillips | Page Count: 136

"Whoever makes the kill gets double rations."

A post-apoc, alternate world spin-off from a story that appeared in Ultimate Fantastic Four (issues 21-23). I don't believe that putting zombies into something automatically makes it better; more often than not it makes it worse. The zombie metaphor has been done to death (no pun intended) and outside of the early Romero films it’s mostly been done badly. MZ sets a new low, even for Marvel.

It was written by Robert Kirkman, the guy that writes The Walking Dead. I've not read TWD, but it’s been selling well, so I'm assuming it’s a lot better than MZ.

The plot is as thin as something I'd write. The heroes/villains are hungry. There’s some gore. They eat. They get hungry. There's gore... eat... hungry, etc. Yawn.

The book collects together Marvel Zombies, issues 1 - 5.

1 severed limb out of 5

Through the Wire: Lyrics & Illuminations (2009)

Author: Kanye West | Illustrator: Bill Plypton | Page Count: 79

Huh? Y'all eat pieces of shit? What's the basis? 

We ain't going nowhere but got suits and cases.

I picked it up for 99p in clearance because it had Bill Plypton art. I left the store feeling like I’d cheated the owners by paying so little. I think we both got lucky and unlucky that day.

I’d heard the name Kanye West but had no idea what he did or didn’t do. He’s a hip-hop ‘artist,’ apparently. That places him very far from the field I normally graze in. I haven’t heard his music and I have no wish to. His lyrics are abysmal; fourth grade poetry has more meaningful content than this fucking drivel. See above quote for a very fine example of Mr West’s poetical talent.

Each song is briefly annotated with an autobiographical anecdote in what most of us call the English language, which is a mercy.

Celebrated artist Bill Plypton illustrates the lyrics of twelve songs that collectively tell the tale of Kanye’s rise from a college drop-out to a college drop-out that learned how to hold a microphone. Plypton illustrates with his usual distinctive style; the sketchy pencil lines, the crosshatched colouring pencils and the dynamic perspectives are are all here. The illustrations are often blackly humorous, full of religious motifs and political musings.

I console myself with the knowledge that I got some cool Plympton art to admire, and pray it won't be long until my ageing brain forgets the Kanye West portion.

0 points for trying out of 5 for Kanye. | 5 wicked grins out of 5 for Bill.

The Boozy Bard: Shakespeare on Drinking (2006)

Author: William Shakespeare | Page Count: 208

"I am weary; yea, my memory is tired.

Have we no wine here?"

Coriolanus.  Act I. Scene 9.

Boozy Bard is one of those books that leave you in no doubt as to the content, as the title tells you all you need to know. It's Shakespeare on drinking. Someone, the editor(s) name is mysteriously absent, has collected together all the instances that the bard had his characters tanked or used alcohol as a metaphor for something else. It's no surprise that Falstaff features more than once.

There's no good reason for it to exist as a physical book. A webpage could offer the same content and be equally as irreverent. Save yourself money by going to the library, borrow The Norton Shakespeare and then hit the bar to toast his good name until you see the underside of the table. Job done.

Naught but a waste of paper and ink out of 5

A Brief History of Underpants (2008)

Author: Timothy James Brown | Page Count: 128

"Some extremists refused to let their patriarchal oppressors remove their trunks before stuffing them with fire-lighters."

The book takes the view that underpants are hilarious. It proposes that underpants played a key role in shaping great historic events. It tries to convince the reader that it's the most piss-inducing, rib-tickling piece of prose ever written. Farting in a lift is sometimes funny. Urinating in the frozen food aisle of Tesco may even raise a titter. But underpants don’t. It's 128 glossy pages that smelt funny, half of which contain, I quote, "…some spectacular pictures of pants," is the author’s idea of a quality read. Thank Christ I only paid 49p for it.

American readers should note that "pants" in Britain is short for "underpants." The phrase "ants in your pants" is much more terrifying to us than to you. And when you ask, "does my fanny look big in these pants?" we have been known to occasionally drop our chips.

0½ for Raquel Welsh in her furry bikini out of 5

Thirteen Reasons Why (2007)

Author: Jay Asher | Page Count: 288

The premise of Thirteen Reasons Why is an interesting one. A girl, Hannah, who recently committed suicide left behind a series of cassette tapes in which she explains the various events that led to her suicide. I feel like Jay Asher had some big message he wanted to send here- there's no concrete reason why people kill themselves, small actions can have a huge effect on others- but he completely misses the art. Hannah is surprisingly unsympathetic, and seems more interested in dragging others down with her than anything else. Most of the things she tears apart others for are minor- voting her "Best Ass", touching her leg on a date- but some of her own actions are pretty sickening.

We experience the tapes via Gary Stu extraordinaire Clay Jensen, and it's him that takes this book from "not very good" to "nearly unreadable". He constantly interrupts Hannah's stories with the most inane interjections, like "wow this milkshake tastes really good" and "that class is really fun" and keeps the story from ever having any sort of flow. The book needed a likable character somewhere, I guess, but Clay's so devoid of flaws that it's irritating, and I can't like anyone who has to interject every 5 minutes to let me know that Hannah was pretty.

1 reason why I need to read better books out of 5